NASTACOOTCHIANS ROBBED BY BANK
IN AN ELABORATE PLOT, THIEVES STEAL FROM RESIDENTS IN BROAD DAYLIGHT
 Three men, pictured left, are being charged for their
involvement in an elaborate plot to steal money from local townsfolk. On March
30, the suspects allegedly rented an abandoned candy store at 1313 Main St. and
converted the space into a semi-realistic bank. The men then placed ads around
town offering "free dime to nickel exchanges" for anyone who opened an account
on April 1. The ads went on to claim that since nickels were bigger, they were
worth more. Police have received reports indicating that over 10 people fell
victim to the scam. One of the victims, Mayor Puddhelmet, told police, "I think
they would have gotten away with at least five more of my dimes had they not
been wearing those moustaches." The suspects are scheduled to appear in court
this afternoon. In a public statement, the suspects' lawyer said, "These men
are innocent of fraud. They simply put up the flyers and spent hours building
the bank as a joke. They never expected anyone to apply for an account, nor did
they want to take the money." At the time of their arrest, the suspects were
found carrying $10 in dimes, $7 in nickels, and 1500 containers of what police
describe as "green stuff."
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LOCAL CELEBRITY, JACK MILFORD, NEEDS YOUR HELP
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Jack Milford, best known for his commentary on DBKO radio, has asked for your
help in finding a man posing as Mr. Milford. It seems Nastacootchie residents
have been receiving messages on their answering machines from a man claiming to
be Jack Milford. Since the real Jack Milford doesn't own a telephone, nor does
he know how to use one, he's fairly confident the calls are from an imposter.
Ironically, all of the messages are simply a "courtesy call" about upcoming the
Dick Butt Kiss and the Tightends shows. For information
about these shows, please visit our website,
http://www.dbkte.com/events.aspx
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